We left Albuquerque about an hour ago. We decided to stop for the night on the way back from Denver. Great hotel room last night. We won’t have big clean beds and bathrooms like that for a while.
I’m struggling with how people behave. Watching my kids and Kari’s kids, it was obvious that their environments played a major role in developing their personalities. I could see Kari’s reactions to their actions, and how those played off each other. The little id monsters do what they can to get what they want. Everyone does that, right?
Everyone works everyday to get what he/she wants, while navigating social norms and the desires of others. Sometimes a person’s ability to detect and decipher those norms and desires can be crippled, undeveloped, ineffective. I saw that close up last week.
There’s a spectrum of positions on the scale of balancing one’s own desires against the desires of others, society. From 1 to 100, id to martyr.
And how well do you navigate society and others? Are you happy and easy going the whole time? Do you act happy the whole time, then blow up in private? Or just self-medicate to deal with it? Are you angry that you have to work around others to get what you want? Are others constantly in your way?
Are people who are flexible happier or more successful? Or is it better to be rigid, not letting anyone distract or obstruct you?
After last week, I have no idea where I am on that spectrum. I have no idea where I should be. In order for my family to be happy, how flexible do I need to be? Can we all be happy and get what we each want?
I thought I was being flexible, helping everyone get what he/she wanted while keeping others in mind. I ended up in arguments with my sister and my husband. I didn’t say much during either. I was a bit in shock both times because I thought I had been careful to be easy going, flexible, and accommodating.
After that, I felt completely ungrounded. I didn’t trust myself at all to do or say anything non-offensive. I kept thinking, “I have no idea.” I just acquiesced to everyone else. I felt like I had no compass. I couldn’t tell what anyone wanted, I couldn’t act off anyone else’s ques. I must have misread everyone. I felt like I had made a mistake in taking what everyone said at face value. All I could do was say, “whatever.” “I don’t care. I don’t know.”
Now what do I do?
We’re on our way back to the RV in Las Cruces. We’re heading to San Antonio and Austin next. It’s a long drive across western Texas, and we’re not sure where we’ll spend the night tonight. There’s snow all over New Mexico. Temperatures are too low to go to Carlsbad, so we’re skipping it. We finally joined Thousand Trails, but there are no campgrounds along the way.