Woke up in Texas. Fort Stockton.
Archives for December 2015
We left Albuquerque about an hour ago. We decided to stop for the night on the way back from Denver. Great hotel room last night. We won’t have big clean beds and bathrooms like that for a while.
I’m struggling with how people behave. Watching my kids and Kari’s kids, it was obvious that their environments played a major role in developing their personalities. I could see Kari’s reactions to their actions, and how those played off each other. The little id monsters do what they can to get what they want. Everyone does that, right?
Everyone works everyday to get what he/she wants, while navigating social norms and the desires of others. Sometimes a person’s ability to detect and decipher those norms and desires can be crippled, undeveloped, ineffective. I saw that close up last week.
There’s a spectrum of positions on the scale of balancing one’s own desires against the desires of others, society. From 1 to 100, id to martyr.
And how well do you navigate society and others? Are you happy and easy going the whole time? Do you act happy the whole time, then blow up in private? Or just self-medicate to deal with it? Are you angry that you have to work around others to get what you want? Are others constantly in your way?
Are people who are flexible happier or more successful? Or is it better to be rigid, not letting anyone distract or obstruct you?
After last week, I have no idea where I am on that spectrum. I have no idea where I should be. In order for my family to be happy, how flexible do I need to be? Can we all be happy and get what we each want?
I thought I was being flexible, helping everyone get what he/she wanted while keeping others in mind. I ended up in arguments with my sister and my husband. I didn’t say much during either. I was a bit in shock both times because I thought I had been careful to be easy going, flexible, and accommodating.
After that, I felt completely ungrounded. I didn’t trust myself at all to do or say anything non-offensive. I kept thinking, “I have no idea.” I just acquiesced to everyone else. I felt like I had no compass. I couldn’t tell what anyone wanted, I couldn’t act off anyone else’s ques. I must have misread everyone. I felt like I had made a mistake in taking what everyone said at face value. All I could do was say, “whatever.” “I don’t care. I don’t know.”
Now what do I do?
We’re on our way back to the RV in Las Cruces. We’re heading to San Antonio and Austin next. It’s a long drive across western Texas, and we’re not sure where we’ll spend the night tonight. There’s snow all over New Mexico. Temperatures are too low to go to Carlsbad, so we’re skipping it. We finally joined Thousand Trails, but there are no campgrounds along the way.
I love going to bed when everyone in my family is disappointed in me.
I woke up this morning expecting to get coffee, like most mornings. I had asked my sister the night before if she wanted to go. No. But she was awake when we got up to leave. She scared off my husband and we went for coffee. She brought her own. Yea, I don’t know.
The rest of the day involved guessing how to make everyone happy every moment. In between, we needed food, entertainment, and shopping for Christmas. Following dinner there was the usual whining about sleeping spots with the squeaky wheels getting the grease. Then I got to arrange the remaining pieces.
I forgot something here, someone there, not enough of this, too much of that. So here I am guilty, bruised, and used. It’s been 24 hours. Five more days to go.
Coffee now, then recycling, McDonald’s, clear out the fridge, pack up the car, and 10 hours to Denver. I wonder if Kari has a blow dryer or curling iron. My fingers are crossed for a great week. I’m glad everyone is going to get together. I’m glad kids will see their cousins.
I hope kids are okay in the car today. This is a small car. A really small car for 6 people. And all their crap.
Girls are in Joesphine’s room. Max and Bruno in Bruno’s room. I’m in the playroom. So far so good. Although, I think Kari’s kids have been fine, she seems paranoid about their behavior. She keeps apologizing to everyone for everything.
Anyway, we made it. Yes, I drove the entire way. Goodnight.
Driving to Denver tomorrow. We plan to leave the RV at a storage place while we’re gone.
When John and I went to the store this morning, the deli had fried chicken ready and waiting. It was 8 AM. And there were customers walking around wearing football jerseys. It was 8 AM.
So it would have been 10 AM eastern time. NFL games don’t start until 11 AM mountain/1 PM eastern. Why is Las Cruces ready for football Sundays so early? I don’t know. It’s one of the local details we’ve noticed. It’s so funny that driving just 100 miles in any direction from a town, there is a noticeable difference in something. I never know what it’s going to be, though.
As I was walking into a gas station recently, I stopped myself before reaching for the door to ask myself where I was, like I was preparing myself for what I would find inside.